A Guide to Blowing It


I know what you're thinking, get your mind out of the gutter. I mean blow in the sense of ruining things.

You've just entered into a wonderful, budding relationship. Things have been moving along just splendidly for a few weeks now. You and your new partner share the same sense of humor, actually have fun together and are really attracted to one another. But the time has come, fellas, for you to blow it.

Oh! So often this happens! The terrible turn!

Allow me to make this easier, please. If you're going to go ahead and blow it, do it right. Go hard or go home! And get it over with already.

You and I both know we've got better things to do than sit around and wait for the inevitable. I happen to know exactly how you can effectively blow it. If you really (I mean really) want to totally blow it, follow this simple guide to blowing it. Trust me, she'll be running for the door.

When out to dinner/on a date, be rude to the restaurant staff. There are many routes you can take with this. You can be blatantly rude and complain about the service directly to the server, and then to your date. You can share with your date how you're not going to leave a tip because you're unsatisfied with the service. Sending back your meal and looking disgusted is also a winning move. Or, if something happens that you disagree with, constantly bring it up in the conversation with your date, even if the girl insists on talking about something else. Reiterate how much it bothers you. Don't use manners. Don't say thank you to the server or bartender if they bring you something, don't make eye contact with them, and definitely don't treat them like they're another human being. This is a surefire way to indicate that you're impolite and unfriendly.

Don't take her out. If you want to skip the part about being rude when you're at a restaurant, simply don't invite her out, ever. No dinner, no drinks, no dates. Constantly invite her to your house or apartment, or suggest going to her place. Don't spend any money on her. Tell her you want to watch a movie and you don't feel like going anywhere. This will indicate that you aren't willing to put fourth any effort, and that you don't care enough about her to take her to a nice place. If she decides to come over, never tidy the place up. In fact, keep your house as messy as possible. To maximize effectiveness, don't go out of your way to do any traveling. Do not pick her up (don't even offer to pick her up), she can come to you.


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Drunk dial her. If you're out with your friends and drinking heavily, remember to call her and make a complete fool of yourself. Say disrespectful things; try yelling and cursing. Talk about all of the girls that you hit on. Tell her in your best drunken, slurring voice that you'd like her to come over. Hang up. Repeat. It is especially helpful to do this after 2 a.m. This will indicate to her that you want to hang out with her because the bars are closed and now you need something to do. It will also indicate that you have no respect for her and that you are just trying to get laid. You can do all of these things over text as well, but a phone call is preferable. If she doesn't answer you can just do all of the preceding in a voicemail.

Don't have any hobbies or interests. Do not play an instrument, sport or do anything that you like. Do not feel passionate about anything. Especially do not be goal-oriented, motivated, determined or ambitious. Don't show any interest in movies, books, classes, video games, writing, traveling, cooking, working out, etc. Go out a lot and get drunk in your free time. Dabble in some drugs. Sleep.

Completely disregard her safety. Don't walk her to her car no matter what the time of day or night. Let her walk alone, and let her do things alone. When she leaves never ask her to tell you if she made it home safely, especially if it's late at night. If you happen to give her a ride home don't wait to see if she makes it into the house. Drive away! Never attempt to protect her or help her in a potentially dangerous situation such as a bar fight, an aggressive dog on the street, if she trips over something etc. Let her fend for herself. You can run away, or try moving away from her slowly and avoid touching her.

Talk about yourself, a lot. Don't ask her about herself, or just don't ask any questions, period. Talk about your experiences, your friends and your job only! Go on a long rant and complain about something. Make sure you don't talk about anything too interesting. Tell her tons of stories about things that have happened in your life. (*Bonus Hint: Talk about your ex-girlfriend. Bash her and discuss the break-up.) When she talks, don't contribute anything to the conversation or comment on what she said. Do not listen or give your full attention. Look around the room while she's speaking as though you're not paying attention and you're bored.

Demand that the relationship moves forward. Especially if you've only been dating for a really short time and especially if she's not ready. Do not take into consideration how the girl feels, or where she stands mentally and emotionally. Insist on being exclusive or on having a title.

This easy-to-follow guide will leave you without a love life in no time!

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